I'm so fucking paro-

Welcome to my, really, fucking bad pot-cookie trip in motion.

I am sitting in my basement right now. Convinced. That zombies are about to break into my house, and try to kill and eat me.

I'm afraid of zombies, and have been since a small child. I used to watch every zombie movie I could because they scare the shit out of me. I still watch those movies, but I haven't seen one in months and still I know they're out there.

Holy shit I need to go to bed.

* Well I’m back, and straight.

As embarrassing as this post is it could have been a lot worse, as far as bad trips go anyway.

I have been really weird about zombies lately though, which should have been a good reason to stay away from the cookies for a while. Or least I should have not watched from dusk till dawn, but who can say no to anything Tarrentino affiliated. Alas this dreaded guitar junkie just gets a hankerin for the green sometimes. What is a boy to do?

Zombies though, yup, zombies are my one inexplicably retarded fear. I think I’ve seen just about every zombie movie worth seeing, and far too many that weren't. I'm a bit of an expert, but this isn't because of a morbid attraction, or just a corny love of the undead. No...It’s research. I am so afraid of zombies creeping out of the ground, that I’ve felt the need to watch these movies so I can see the strategies of the characters, and decide the best route to surviving a zombie crisis. Hmm, come to think of it, I don't know anyone that if they saw an army of corpses walking the streets and devouring people, buffet style, who would describe the even as a "crisis". Back to my original train of thought. I'm bad, if I’ve gone somewhere even half a dozen times; I’ve probably worked out in my head a zombie survival plan. I can only assume that my logic behind all of this would be, that in case of an apocalypse-like zombie attack, escape routes are key. What the fuck is wrong with me?

At any rate I suppose that the only responsible thing to do after divulging such a lame obsession, is not to seek counselling, or refrain from mentioning said obsession, or even to not post while tripping on psychedelic drugs. No, the only thing to do is post my zombie survival strategy.

Step one - Identifying Zombies

First of all, avoid living near cemeteries, secret government research facilities... or crazy voodoo witch doctors. This should avoid the unfortunate business of discovering the first zombie. More than likely in any residential area, you should be tipped off to the presence of zombies, by the running screaming masses. Avoid joining the running screaming masses. Most importantly. The ability to acknowledge the fact that zombies are, in fact, running around devouring the living will be your first test in zombie survival. If there are people running and screaming outside, and any of them are covered in blood and not screaming or running, or you happen to see any bite or maul any others, you've got zombies my friend. Don't be in denial. Don't be one of those pathetic jerk offs that have got this universe so figured out that you can't trust your own eyes, and go walking out into the streets to figure out what is "really" going on. The sooner you accept your situation, the more time you have to plan your way out.

Step 2 - up close and personal

If you are to survive a catastrophe such as an outbreak of carnivorous corpses [today’s post was brought to you by the letter C] you will inevitably need to kill a shit load of zombies. Now since I'm not so naive to think that movies have all the answers. I won't actually go out and say that shooting a zombie in the head will kill it. There may be no way to kill a zombie, but everything seems to point to sudden and extreme head trauma. So if you're anything like me and have no guns in your house, or on you at all times, look for anything heavy and blunt, preferably with range, or something sharp, also preferably with range. Do not concern yourself with looking for the "best " weapon, first just grab a weapon.
As your weapon collection expands, remember to always keep a melee weapon with you, guns are great but ammo runs out. Now, in case the head trauma doesn’t work and you've both, stabbed your first undead friend in the brain and beaten him about the head with your large blunt object of choice, only to find him still mobile and hungry, remember that decapitation it always an option. Because, even if it doesn't kill it, a headless zombie doesn't have a whole lot of chance of biting you.

Step 3 - escape [short term]

As a general rule, you should be looking for two main criteria in deciding your escape route. First is accessibility, the poorer the accessibility the better. If it's hard for you to get to, it'll be damn near impossibly for anyone to follow. My personal recommendation is rooftops, or rafters. Next is a large traveling area, with many directional options. Wherever you decide to go, you want to make sure that you don't get trapped. Suggestion. Once on your roof, try roof jumping, also make use of telephone wires, preferably if all the power shuts off, which eventually it will. As far as getting in you car and taking off. Remember that everyone else has probably thought of that. Expect highways to be jammed, and accidents to be everywhere. If you are somewhere with few vehicles around, this may be a viable idea.

Step 4 - Friends

Now personally, I have a list of people to contact and attempt to rescue in the even of a zombie attack. It will be a decision you will have to make on your own. If you're smart, than going solo is your best chance of survival, just getting away from people is the best chance of survival. Stay away from the zombies and stay away from their food. At the same time and more humanely joining a small group of people will inevitably increase you chances of fending off the zombies, which isn't the best strategy in it's self. Make sure to choose your group well, smart strong and fast people are who you're after; make sure they are more of an asset than a liability. I feel the need to mention this, cause it happens in every movie. Keep an eye on your groups injuries, cause somebody's gonna get bit and not tell anyone, then turn and take out most of your group. Do not hesitate to throw out any members who seem to be jeopardising the safety of the group. You friends in this world may not be the friends you want in a zombie rich world.

Step 5 - escape [long term]

From the devising of the very first stages of you survival plan, make sure to bring along as much [non perishable] food as possible; without overburdening yourself of course. Water is also a must, but be sparing, water is heavy and fairly abundant. I would be more apt to raiding a camping goods store for a few water purifying systems and filters. Also when looting, Do not take TV's designer shoes etc...[Sighs in reflection of the stupidity of some] also try and always loot backups for your looted goods, who knows where you're gonna have to ditch something, or might have something break. Other important lootables would be weapons, obviously, and armour. Seriously, bust into one of those places that sell swords and crap and snag yourself some chain mail. That whole "know thy enemy" works well in your favour in this situation, zombies are people, if you can do it so can they, and when have you ever known anyone to be able to bite through chain mail? Now as far as long term survival goes, you're gonna need to get yourself to the coast. Do not expect the army to step in at any minute and destroy the problem for good, if it happens great, but don't bet on it. We’re looking for long term, like the rest of your natural life, long-term solutions and there’s only one. A huge fucking boat. Personally I’d be looking for a fucking aircraft carrier. Get a shit load of people to stock it and sail out. The idea behind the military ship is the likely hood that it's already stocked with weapons. Do I hear island get away anyone? Just make sure to keep the boat in case any of those fucker decide to walk the ocean floor for a few years to eventually get to ya, a boat in mid sea is the only truly safe place to be at.

And that’s it, Set up a hammock between the barrels of two anti aircraft guns, and enjoy the rest of your life in bliss knowing you survived.... while the undead wander the earth for all eternity.

So... anyone think I should seek professional help yet?