A Prelude to Pain
If you came here looking for something funny and light this isn't it.
So I’ve had death on my mind a lot over the last few months, actually I’ve had death on my mind a lot over the last ten years or so. The idea of death has scared the shit out of me since a very early age, so much so that before puberty I had found myself in the bathroom with knives on more than one occasion just at the thought of dieing. I know the idea of wanting to kill yourself because you're afraid to die doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I was a kid and had no idea how to deal with these kinds of problems. The truth is that very few people know how to deal with this kind of problem, and telling your kid to just not think about it is possibly the worst thing you can do.
Now for the catch.
I’ve always had serious issues with death, but I’ve never lost anyone. The only person I’ve lost was my grandfather when I was about six, but being as fucked up as my family is, I had no idea I had a grandfather on that side until he died. Having never really known him I can't attribute a sense of loss to his death.
Now going twenty years in this life with everyone I’ve ever loved still here with me sounds like incredible luck, which it is. The downside of course is that I don't know how to deal with the idea of loosing someone close to me. Even the thought of it turns my insides into an elaborate knot work, and to be honest it's been a few months since I’ve gone an entire day without thinking about it. I've been dealing though, if there’s one thing I can do it's dealing with shit.
The climax to this whole rant about death is that I’m loosing my other grandfather whom I’ve known and loved since birth, as far as I can tell. About seven years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and he fought it. After chemo and surgery, we'd all thought he'd beaten it. It's back of course, and we were told moths ago that there’s nothing that could be done this time, and my grandfather was given until Christmas. Recently though he confessed that he doesn't expect to reach fall, and I believe him.
Now I’m not religious, or at least not in a way I could neatly present to you without the need of another post. I'll rather say that I’m very spiritual, but I by no means have the comfort of believing he's going to a better place. Although with the pain I know he must be in I’m sure even no place at all must seem to be a welcome change.
So my grandfather is dying and I’m a twenty-year-old wreck, and only for possibly a short time longer will I have the ability to say that I’ve never lost someone I loved. Death has always been in abstract to me, but I’m now haunted by just how real it is.
That’s all for now I think.
"When death is your greatest fear, living is the most dangerous thing you'll ever do"
So I’ve had death on my mind a lot over the last few months, actually I’ve had death on my mind a lot over the last ten years or so. The idea of death has scared the shit out of me since a very early age, so much so that before puberty I had found myself in the bathroom with knives on more than one occasion just at the thought of dieing. I know the idea of wanting to kill yourself because you're afraid to die doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I was a kid and had no idea how to deal with these kinds of problems. The truth is that very few people know how to deal with this kind of problem, and telling your kid to just not think about it is possibly the worst thing you can do.
Now for the catch.
I’ve always had serious issues with death, but I’ve never lost anyone. The only person I’ve lost was my grandfather when I was about six, but being as fucked up as my family is, I had no idea I had a grandfather on that side until he died. Having never really known him I can't attribute a sense of loss to his death.
Now going twenty years in this life with everyone I’ve ever loved still here with me sounds like incredible luck, which it is. The downside of course is that I don't know how to deal with the idea of loosing someone close to me. Even the thought of it turns my insides into an elaborate knot work, and to be honest it's been a few months since I’ve gone an entire day without thinking about it. I've been dealing though, if there’s one thing I can do it's dealing with shit.
The climax to this whole rant about death is that I’m loosing my other grandfather whom I’ve known and loved since birth, as far as I can tell. About seven years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and he fought it. After chemo and surgery, we'd all thought he'd beaten it. It's back of course, and we were told moths ago that there’s nothing that could be done this time, and my grandfather was given until Christmas. Recently though he confessed that he doesn't expect to reach fall, and I believe him.
Now I’m not religious, or at least not in a way I could neatly present to you without the need of another post. I'll rather say that I’m very spiritual, but I by no means have the comfort of believing he's going to a better place. Although with the pain I know he must be in I’m sure even no place at all must seem to be a welcome change.
So my grandfather is dying and I’m a twenty-year-old wreck, and only for possibly a short time longer will I have the ability to say that I’ve never lost someone I loved. Death has always been in abstract to me, but I’m now haunted by just how real it is.
That’s all for now I think.
"When death is your greatest fear, living is the most dangerous thing you'll ever do"
posted by Knattyb at 10:12 PM
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